It has been far too long since I last wrote for this site……..so what better way to get back into it than stealing my friend’s column!…….Okay, borrowing. I’ll give it right back, after I get all this out of my system…………all of what you ask? ‘the utter revulsion gurggling around inside me after enduring “Immortals.”
Miserably? I was quite looking forward to this. One, I thought it looked good; ‘simple as that. Two, it stars Henry Cavill, who will be soaring as Superman next year in the big screen “Man of Steel”……..and I haven’t seen him in anything before. (which, as a lifelong Superman fan, is not acceptable)…………Plus, as the father of 2 kids and 3 dogs; I get out to the movies just about never, so! Netflix is my way to go…………and when I decided to click on “Immortals,” I should have kept on going. ………..’Damn you hindsight and your 20/20 vision!!
I’ll start with the good points:
- Freida Pinto is so beautiful she makes my eyes hurt. Which, a majority of the world knows having seeing “Slumdog Millionaire”…but that’s one of those movies I can appreciate from a distance but am having zero luck motivating myself to watch. I’ll get around to it.
- Henry Cavill has my vote as Superman. He looks right, talks right and I believed his character……..I didn’t LIKE his character, but I believed it; so there’s that.
- aaaaaaaaaaaaand. done.
SPOILERS FROM HERE. IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE UNBLEMISHED, TURN AROUND…………….AND THEN ASK YOURSELF, DO I REALLY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO? NOTHING????
First, everybody dies. Everybody. Yep, even our hero. and I cannot stand movies like that. I avoid horror movies because they are, by definition, horrible things happening……..you know where else horrible things happen? Real life. So in my entertainment I want to be entertained! And no, that does not equal everybody smiling and happy jumpy by the credits rolling. (Note: yeah, I don’t know what ‘happy jumpy’ means; ‘just came out and seems to fit the thought)………..anyway, I had a great time at “300″ and love to pieces “The Great Escape” or “Magnificent Seven” where some to all of our likable heroes end up 6′ under. I can live with that when the movie structures itself that they’re heroically fighting impossible odds for a greater cause. This movie? eh, I really doubt it had a structure of any sort. Mostly it’s Mickey Rourke rambling ALOT about spreading his seed (ew……….and! he never has sex once in the movie, so I assume all his “seed spreading” is the #1 ‘to do’ for the day after the battle) and Henry Cavill at various levels of irritation……..which I could understand because apparently anyone not his mother who looks at him? ‘hates him. Why? um……he’s too handsome? ‘the movie could care less to really explain it. Sort of like it could care less than to give Stephen Dorff’s character a reason for signing up as Mr. Cavill’s sidekick………….it’s depressing how many times I forgot Stephen Dorff was playing a character, and rather he seemed to have stumbled onto a set and decided to stick around for the fun of it. I kept waiting for him to make goofy faces into the camera when somebody else was talking.
The more I think on it, the more I’m convinced that the director had crazy ideas for imaginative visuals and simply HAD to get them all onto film, lack of coherent / interesting plot be damned! Certainly the movie has a visceral energy to it………..far too much so, like each scene is annoying the director as he wants to get to the NEXT one as soon as humanly possible!…….it’s akin to having my 5 year old show me a magazine and saying “what’s that Daddy?” and by the time I get 4 words out, she’s turning the page. ……..she cares what it is for a millisecond or three, but what oh what mystery delight could be on the next page?!?! we must know!……….’now add to it that that every 7pages my daughter decides to kill off a character. Why? because its been 7 and that’s too long without death!!!…………….really, halfway through I told myself to expect a mass suicide as the climax.
Those are the main points. Others abound too. ‘like when our hero finally hooks up with the stunning stunning (absolutely worth saying twice) Ms. Pinto, it’s in his dead mothers bed!…….gah!…..there was nowhere else on Earth to do it??? I get that their house is like, 4′ x 6′….but still, why not the floor? ‘his own bed?? …..whatever. Plus the movie is clueless on how to make any characters likable whether they’re mortal or God, and I get that in traditional storytelling the Gods aren’t the most appealing of folks anyway; but at the end when they confront the unleashed Titans and it’s like, 99 Titans vs. Zeus and the 4 other Gods he brought along? You could say that that’s a testament to the Gods’ arrogance……..but for my two cents? I got the suicide ending I expected.
Blah. skip this. Rent “300″ instead. Everybody dies in a MUCH better movie. win-win.